Published: March 17, 2025
OKEECHOBEE, FL—Local Florida man Ethan Parker was just trying to mind his own business—scrolling through Facebook, watching dog videos, and occasionally rage-liking a post about gas prices—when suddenly, the algorithm turned on him.
“It started subtly at first,” Ethan explained, nervously adjusting his sweatpants. “One ad for ‘clinically proven solutions for male performance issues.’ Whatever. But then… then it got personal.”
Within hours, Ethan’s newsfeed had transformed into a full-blown digital intervention.
🚨 “Stay Harder, Finish Stronger”
🚨 “Your Partner Deserves Better—Stronger Boners, Personalized Treatment Options”
🚨 “HIMs: The #1 Doctor-Recommended Solution for Guys Who Can’t Keep Up.”
“I CAN KEEP UP,” Ethan insisted, voice cracking slightly. “I mean… I think? I thought?”
According to reports from his wife, Jessica, the shift happened right after she downloaded a free MC romance novel featuring a broody, possessive biker with “dangerous hands” and an “uncontrollable hunger” for his woman.
“Look, it’s not my fault,” Jessica shrugged, still flushed from a particularly intense scene in Chapter 14. “I just wanted a little more… enthusiasm from my husband. I may have Googled some things. I may have clicked on some links. I definitely didn’t expect it to launch a full-scale war on his masculinity.”
But Ethan’s nightmare didn’t stop there. His YouTube recommendations were suddenly flooded with testosterone-boosting workout plans, his Instagram targeted him with ads for weighted blankets (“for men who can’t sleep because they feel inadequate”), and his TikTok For You Page was inexplicably all Andrew Tate clips and protein powder sponsorships.
“I can’t escape it,” Ethan admitted. “I just wanted to watch a video about grilling. Now I’m being told I need to ‘reclaim my virility’ and ‘stop disappointing my queen.’”
When reached for further comment, Jessica was last seen adding more MC romance books to her Kindle library. She appeared completely unbothered.
As for Ethan?
“Maybe I should order some of this stuff,” he muttered, side-eyeing his laptop. “Just… to be safe.”
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