Published:
Camp Hill, PA—Local husband Greg Patterson was enjoying a quiet Sunday morning—coffee in hand, dog at his feet, blissfully unaware of the storm brewing in his own home—when he made a devastating discovery.
His wife’s latest MC romance novel lay open-faced and abandoned on the kitchen counter, a single dogeared page marking a passage that would shatter his self-esteem forever.
"He gripped my hips with calloused hands, his raw strength overpowering me, leaving me breathless as he pressed me against his bike. His thick, veiny length—so impossibly big I could feel it through my jeans—left no doubt about what was coming next.”
Greg’s coffee went cold in his hands.
The Crushing Realization
“I—I just… I never thought to compare myself to a fictional biker,” he stammered, running a hand through his already thinning hair. “I mean, yeah, I know I don’t have big fat hog or a mysterious past, but I thought we were happy. I thought I was enough.”
His wife, Michelle, was confused by Greg’s sudden existential crisis.
“It’s just a book,” she shrugged, casually sipping her tea, unaware that Greg was spiraling internally. “It’s fiction, babe. Not real.”
But the damage was done.
Greg spent the next three hours googling ‘average length’ statistics, before rage-buying a gym membership and watching motorcycle tutorials on YouTube.
The Algorithm Knows…
As if his shame wasn’t enough, Greg soon found himself drowning in targeted ads for Hims, Roman, and weird herbal male enhancement pills from China.
"I didn’t even say it out loud,” he whispered, “but somehow, the algorithm just... knows.”
After a particularly aggressive pop-up ad for a “medical breakthrough in male enhancement” disrupted his work meeting, Greg shut his laptop and stared at the wall for a full ten minutes.
“I think I need to be offline for a while,” he admitted, deleting his browsing history in a panic.
A Call For Realistic Representation
Greg, like many men before him, is now demanding change in the romance industry.
“Why can’t there be a book where the guy is just, I don’t know, normal-sized and emotionally available?” he asked, blinking back tears.
Industry experts say that’s unlikely.
“Readers don’t want ‘average’ in their fantasy men,” says Hope Stone, bestselling MC romance author and certified connoisseur of fictional wangs.
“They want brooding, dangerous, and built like a Greek god who only does deadlifts and revenge.”
The Future Of Greg's Marriage
While Greg continues to struggle with his self-image, Michelle remains unmoved.
“It’s just a fantasy,” she repeated, casually flipping to another dogeared page. “Now this scene? This is where it gets REALLY good.”
At press time, Greg was seen outside a Harley dealership, nervously eyeing a used Fat Boy and questioning every life decision he’s ever made.
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