Published: March 18, 2025
Written by Mackensie Foxx (TSR Staff Writer)
STURGIS, SD—The annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally faced an unprecedented crisis of masculinity when a new MC rolled in sporting skinny leather pants, smoldering eyeliner, and what multiple witnesses described as "abs that looked airbrushed by God himself."
"I don't know whether to fight them or... feel things," admitted veteran biker Bear Johnson, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "Their president did this thing where he slowly ran his fingers through his hair while making eye contact. My old lady nearly passed out."
The mysterious new club, dubbed "The Midnight Sinners," has been raising more than just eyebrows with their unconventional approach to biker culture.
"They don't even throw punches during fights," reported one frustrated rival MC member. "They just do this slow, dangerous walk toward you while unbuttoning their leather vests. It's... surprisingly effective."
Local vendor Sally Martinez had to close her water stand after the club's Road Captain "accidentally" spilled his bottle during their arrival, leading to what she described as "an unnecessarily seductive display of wet t-shirt athletics."
"He did that thing where you shake your head in slow motion and water droplets go everywhere," she fanned herself. "I'm pretty sure I heard someone whisper 'mother of pearl' before fainting."
The tension reached its climax during the traditional arm-wrestling tournament, where The Midnight Sinners' sergeant-at-arms insisted on "warming up" by doing shirtless push-ups to The Weeknd's "Often."
"They're breaking all the rules," complained one traditional MC member. "Since when do prospective members have to pass a 'smoldering gaze' test? And why do they keep finding excuses to oil up their bikes without shirts on?"
Several romance authors attending for "research" purposes were seen being treated for dehydration, with one muttering deliriously about "the perfect combination of danger and body glitter."
At press time, multiple established MCs were reportedly spotted secretly practicing their hair flips in bathroom mirrors, while The Midnight Sinners were teaching a workshop on "How to Make Cleaning Your Bike Look Like a Scene from Magic Mike."
"It's about the slow build," explained their president, somehow making motorcycle maintenance sound like foreplay. "Everything's sexier when you take... your... time."
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