SPRINGFIELD, IL—After weeks of aimlessly scrolling through book recommendations and rereading the same disappointing first chapters, local romance reader Jessica Harper, 32, has finally been pulled from her book slump by an aggressively possessive fictional man who refuses to let her go.
“I was starting to think I’d never feel that book magic again,” Harper admitted, eyes suspiciously glassy. “Then he showed up. Six foot three, brooding, emotionally unavailable, and completely obsessed with me—even though I don’t technically exist in the book.”
The character, identified as Hawk, a ruthless but devoted biker from the Guardians of Mayhem MC Series, reportedly stormed into Harper’s life at 2:14 a.m. after she hesitantly downloaded the free book.
Experts say this is the exact moment her real-life responsibilities became irrelevant.
According to close sources, Harper has since cancelled three brunch plans, left her laundry half-folded, and failed to acknowledge her actual human boyfriend, Matt, for 72 hours.
“It started with a deep sigh,” said Harper’s best friend, Megan, who witnessed the incident firsthand. “Then she whispered, ‘Oh no,’ flipped the page, and completely disappeared from reality.”
Her mother, Linda Harper, 58, expressed further concern.
“She called me briefly, but only to say, ‘Mom, he just growled,’ and then hung up.”
Boyfriend Matt, an ardent supporter of his bookworm girlfriend, is visibly excited by the situation.
“She’ll come back eventually,” he shrugged pulling a pillow over his lap. “And I'm looking forward to her bringing that energy into the bedroom later.”
However, Harper’s coworkers grew suspicious after she arrived at the office visibly distracted, wearing all black, and muttering something about ‘belonging to him.’
“She suddenly started drinking whiskey straight and smirking more,” noted her boss, Karen Tillman. “When I asked if she was okay, she just whispered, ‘I’m his now.’ I have no idea what that means.”
Additional warning signs of a full book slump rescue include:
✅ Heavy breathing after a dominant hand-grab scene
✅ Throwing the Kindle across the room, only to gently retrieve it
✅ Clutching the book to her chest and staring into the abyss
✅ Refusing to acknowledge real men unless they have tattoos and tragic pasts
✅ Casually mentioning how she now expects to be “claimed”
At press time, Harper was reportedly ignoring 17 text messages and has pre-ordered the next book in the series, ensuring at least another five days of emotional devastation.
“She told me she’s fine, but then sighed, wiped a tear, and said, ‘I’ll never be the same,’” said Megan. “So… I think we just need to let her process this.”
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(Warning: May cause dramatic sighing, Kindle clutching, and refusal to acknowledge real men.)
